in my dreams

i dreamt about the end of the world last night

turned out on a big movie screen

the comet blasted the world apart

i felt myself explode twice

my heart stopped at least the same amount of times

i woke up shaken, in a cold sweat

and this veil of dispair was draped over my heart

i couldn't understand why i was still alive for a minute or two

and then i thought of you

and i couldn't stop crying

I can't describe it

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the whole thing. Why did he agree to it? Why didn't anybody see how much pain he was in? It could have been avoided and he could have stayed around to reap the benefits. You can see why it killed him. That's the scary part. You can see why it killed him... and you can see how it would have done the same to you. You can also begin to realize how... capable you could be of being that guy. Unable to shake the giggles. How many dark places do we have in our souls that we refuse to admit to or share with each other? I haven't ever been good at hiding... I am terrified to know that I would be capable. I'm not fearsome or intimidating, but I'm more than able to be so if it suits me. How much farther could I take it? Do you think he thought those kinds of things? You know that people like him exist.. we see it on the news all the time. Maybe not on as large a scale or all at once, but we're surrounded by it. In a way, they rule us. How is it possible to escape when you're plagued? And we're all plagued. He was plagued. He found his escape..... and they still won. We all have that darkness inside. It doesn't always win, but it's frightening to know it could have that power... And what if you gave in to that power? It could be sweet, you know. To drop the reigns and go off course... A certain kind of freedom. So much anger... released. At last. What keeps us from letting go? What's stopping me? There's light too, I guess. They possess each other, the dark and the light. And all of a sudden, I'm brought to a cliche... and I have realized the depths of my soul is all but shrouded in.. in never ending shades of... gray.. What about you?

Restless and Lonely

For the past few weeks it's been building up. Last night was strange and upsetting, couldn't sleep to easily. And now I feel like I've got this angry knot in my tummy and nothing will make it go away. I keep grinding my teeth and I'm doing that stabby thing with my pen on my arms again like non-stop. I wanna do something. The sun's gonna set soon and it's gonna be a hot, sweet summer night- the first one I've WANTED to enjoy all summer. But I have nobody to enjoy it with. I got a friend outa town, a friend with her man, and a friend with her family... they're really the only gals I wanna see most of the time. Soooooo yeah. For the sake of not wanting to spend my entire saturday in pj's I'm gonna get all dolled up and get in my car and smoke some cigs. See what the night brings me. Probably more boredom, along with various other melancholy emotions. But... what else can ya do? I hate bein all broody and crap, I'm so not good at being emo like that.

ciao.

♥♥♥

tasha